This was commissioned as a satirical piece on Ken Livingstone in the style of Bridget Jones’ diary. I'm good at making things up, so that’s why I got asked to do it for the Christmas issue. I’m sure Ken loved it…
January 6
Dear Diary,
Minutes spent fantasizing about this very moment over breakfast this morning – 19.
Splendid news – I have been readmitted to the Labour party to stand on ticket as London Mayor. It's not before time, either. Celebrate on the way home with a warm can of Foster’s found in a meeting room where I left my umbrella yesterday. Think it been there since the Christmas party. It’s chilly out, despite me donning a vest this morning for extra protection against the winter’s evils. Throw caution to the icy wind and decide to get a cab as I’ve now got a proper job!
January 20
Dear Diary,
Number of congratulations cards received this week – 3.
Note to self – must watch what I say when it comes to war. Apparently Tony's not pleased with me about my comments on the whole Iraq thing. It's a mess, rather like my living room. With Emma only a couple of months from giving birth, she seems to have neglected the housework. I shall have to appoint a cleaner. Glad the new minimum wage hasn't come into force yet.
February 10
Dear Diary,
Hours of sleep lost worrying about what I'm going to do with the underground – 0
Valentine’s Day looms and I’ve not had a chance to give it a first thought, never mind a second. Emma will be upset, but I could always remind her that she doesn’t have to pay the congestion charge. The papers reckon I’m in a dreamworld about tube privatisation, but what to they know? All they do is make things up, go to lunch and encourage the public to write nasty letters about me.
March 22
Note to self: who’s the daddy? I am! Again!
Baby Mia was born today, and my, what a beauty. She’s got my nose, my eyes, and even my hair. Let’s hope she inherits my wisdom and desire to succeed no matter at what cost to Londoners. Drive to the Royal Free Hospital and park right outside like they do on adverts. Am immediately told by an ambulance crew that I should move my car. Honestly, I don’t know what this city is coming to. I get a £60 fine, too! I've just spent that on nappies.
April 2
Number of times I’ve thought about resigning and starting a new life in Brazil – 9
Dear Diary,
Today I witnessed a man running away from the greengrocer’s with three cauliflowers and a packet of blue Rizla’s. I don’t know if he’d stolen them but he tripped on a cigarette end and fractured his ankle. We really do need safer streets. Must launch initiative after lunch.
Emma, my wonderful wife, has played a very clever April Fool’s trick on me yesterday. She told me that she’s going to vote Conservative from now on!
May 23
Hours of sleep lost due to Mia waking up and me having to sing ‘The Wheels On The Bus’ and ‘Going Underground’ to get her back to sleep – 132
Dear Diary,
I’ve been getting some flack lately for not putting up some cash for a St. George’s Day parade. I don’t know what all the fuss is about – after all, I spent £100,000 on a St. Patrick’s Day parade last month. I can’t do everything. Met a young lady today called Tracey Emin. She’s an artist, but today she’d turned journalist for a magazine called Time Out, something Tony Blair keeps telling me I should read. Or have, I can’t remember which. Anyway, she had an extremely impressive chest and was late, that I do recall. Oh, and London made it onto the list of candidates for the Olympics. Big wow!
June 10
Number of nappies changed – 4, including one really stinky one which fell off the bed and made a terrible mess on the carpet. I blamed it on the dog, even though we don’t have a dog.
Dear Diary,
Today I was re-elected as Mayor of London. Tony’s forgiven me for my past indiscretions, such as the time I pointed out that it was obvious he’d dyed his hair to appeal to the younger voter, and that his son was clogging up the pavements of Leicester Square with his late-night drinking, making it impossible for me to park outside Stringfellow’s. Emma, Mia and I celebrate with an early dinner at our local Harvester. We’'d never been to a Harvester before! Very enjoyable.
July 17
Number of nappies changed – none
Dear Diary,
No time for nappy changes yesterday as Usuf al Qaradawi popped in to see me at work. Greeted him with a big hug and sat him down to have a chat about Muslim women’s right to wear scarves and gloves, something like that. He did mention something about needing some antiseptic, or so I thought until I read that he'd actually said he was anti-semitic. I said I was all for women’s right to accessorize. Invited him to stay the night at our house – I suggested Mia have the sofa and he has her room.
August 11
Number of times I sang ‘The Wheels on the Bus’ and ‘Going Underground’ to Mia to get her off to sleep – 7
Dear Diary,
I must get my A–Z of London out and take a closer look at my congestion charge zone. I’m sure I drew a red circle about as big as a 10p piece, but maybe it was more the size of a pound, in which case that’s too small. Plans to extend the zone to Kensington and Chelsea are met with disapproval from a lovely young lady called Jasmine Guiness. She’s a supermodel, you know. I must be doing something right!
September 21
Today I wake up in a right mood and decide to put the bus fares up, but make bus travel free for under-16s because they take up the whole of the back of the bus, top and bottom, which makes it look as though I’ve increased bus travel and reduced congestion. Everyone’s a winner with this one. Pop to Athens for the afternoon to have a go on their underground system, known as the ‘metro’. How very chic! It had air conditioning and went really fast. It was fun!
October 6
Number of nappies changed – 13, Mia obviously doesn’t agree with mashed parsnip.
Dear Diary,
Decide to ask for my job to be extended for a whole year if London win the Olympic bid, as otherwise I’ll probably have to pay the congestion charge to get in to see the javelin and 4 x 100 metres, and that seems quite unfair.
Attacked by Lib Dems today about bringing in those vultures to eat the pigeons in Trafalgar Square. It seems the vultures just flew off, which is a shame as it cost me £106,000. Well, it didn’t cost me, so it doesn’t really matter. Unveil new transport map. It’s got different coloured lines and everything. It’ll only cost about £10billion, I’ll take it out of the NHS or something.
November 15
Number of times people I know have asked me to scrap the congestion charge – 5,439
Dear Diary,
Get this, there are rumours that I’m going to be investigated over that Islam thing. Get into a right scrape with the big boys because apparently it’s not good for the country right now, what with terrorist threats and all sorts. Decide to round up all the pigeons in the dead of night and take them home. They can go in the garage. With any luck they’ll perish over night in this weather!
December 4
Note to self: am beginning to think this congestion charge wasn’t the best idea. I might bring back Poll Tax instead.
Dear Diary,
Last week I proposed that the congestion charge go up to £8. I thought people would be glad to get change from a tenner so they’ve got some coins to put into the parking meters once they get into London, but no. Are these people never satisfied?
Have a meeting via video link with the rest of the Mayors from other Olympic cities. I’m supposed to be in Bloomberg but I don’t fancy flying what with the whole terrorist threat. Besides, I’ve got to find £10billion for the bloody tubes before Countdown at 3pm.
